Sunday, July 20, 2008

WTF? How'd We Get Here?

To borrow a style element from a friend of mine (you know who you are)

Dear You,

Maybe one day you'll read this. I don't know if you ever read my blog without somebody sending you my way. I don't know if you have friends among the regulars here, though I'm sure you'd like many of them -- and vice versa. Maybe one day I'll even send you the link myself. Maybe. One day. But not today. Those others who frequent this space, might be expecting something artistic, something clever or funny or thought-provoking. If they've been following lately, they might be expecting photographs (of dogs most likely). But there's no meme contribution in this post. No fanciful story fit for a romance novel. And definitely not something I can cram into 55 words.

There's nothing here but a great big empty that I didn't even realize you'd filled. How you managed to slip in there without me noticing I haven't quite figured out yet. But the ragged hurt that comes from thinking about the things we won't do together, the places we won't discover together, or the places I'll go back to without you... that I already know. No figuring required.

But I'd do it again. Even knowing what I know now, if I could go back and do it again I would. I'd like to say I'd change a few things... things I said or did that I probably wouldn't have said or done if I'd stopped to think about it. I'd love to tell you that I'd put more thought into this action or that dialogue. But the truth is that even if I did, even with the benefit of hindsight, sooner or later there was going to be that stupid thing I did or said.

So maybe it's better that it was sooner rather than later. Maybe it's better that it happened now -- before both of us were too invested to not be bitter if when it went badly. Maybe it's to be preferred that we part company while we can still part on good terms. Maybe it's best that we split while I can still mean it when I say, "I want most of all for you to be happy."

Maybe it's for the best.

Definitely it hurts like hell.

I miss you.

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smarmoofus said...


Carmi said...

I feel your pain through every word you wrote here. I hope time turns the sadness into something warmer and fuzzier. You deserve only goodness.

Charlene said...

i am so sorry that you are feeling that pain~~~it. fucking. hurts. a. lot.
i know~~~

KJ said...

you made me cry.

My heart hurts for you.

hugs to you.

Cravey said...

Oh. There's just no way around stuff like this is there?

I hope today is a little better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today.


tiff said...

I know what you mean, even though in my case I was the one who wanted out. Still, it hurts to lose the future.

Anonymous said...

Oh, to have that kind of maturity 19 years ago.

It'd be nice to start out wise.