Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Santagate! Is the jolly fat man actually a Communist sympathizer?


Fox News File Photo
Buenos Aires, Argentina 1950

A firestorm of controversy has erupted around one of the world's most storied and celebrated figures recently. Charges of everything from burglary to a Communist plot to undermine the US government have been leveled at Santa Claus by noted figures in the conservative media.

Leading the charge was Fox News commentator Glenn Beck who stopped just short of calling St. Nick a fugitive from justice. "Here's this fat guy crawling down people's chimneys in the middle of the night. That's breaking and entering! If I crawled down your chimney in the middle of the night I'd be arrested. It's a crime and it should be punished." Beck was further disturbed by allegations that Santa, whom he believes to actually be the Argentine Communist revolutionary Nikolas Klaus (pictured). "This is a guy who's been responsible for the collapse of who knows how many governments over the years, including the Peron regime in Argentina back in the 50's. And he's not stopping there, oh no. You watch, watch and see how this so called 'Santa Claus' rips apart the very fabric of America with his Communist 'spread-the-wealth' movement."

The theme of economic ruin brought about by freely-given gifts at the holidays was echoed by Former CNN business analyst Lou Dobbs who said Monday, "They're flooding the marketplace with cheaply made toys that they give away for free. It's ruinous to the American economy. Look at the par value of companies like Mattel and Toys 'R' Us, for example, and see what's happening there." Dobbs went on to add that he believed there to be a national security threat from the Jolly Old Elf, who routinely enters the country without passing through customs. "He's entering the country illegally, crossing sovereign borders without any kind of documentation. Of course, you won't see the Obama administration do anything about it because they're in the same socialist political bed."

Neo-conservative pundit Rush Limbaugh had this to say on the matter. "So a guy in a red suit can just go where he wants, when he wants and give stuff away for free to who he wants, is that it? Am I the only one who sees how crazy that is? And Americans are buying into this scheme. They're drinking the Kool-Aid and it's up to people like me to stop them." Limbaugh expressed "suspicion" of the now-legendary Santa, citing the long lines at every shopping mall in the nation and the "frightening expressions" on the faces of Santa supporters at these gatherings.

Columnist and author Ann Coulter also weighed in offering a potential solution, "If we just dropped a couple of 50-megaton nukes on the North Pole we'd solve this whole problem. And as a bonus we'd get to find out once and for all if this whole 'Oh the polar ice caps are melting' business is actually a threat or not. It's a win-win."

Ex-Governor of Alaska and 2012 presidential hopeful Sarah Palin considers herself close to the source. "I can see the North Pole from my house, and just look at the guy. He's dressed head to foot in red. And it's not just that he's a fashion victim, he's identifying himself as a Communist with this getup. When you've been eyeballing the Russians for as long as I have, you can spot a Commie a mile off, you betcha."

Fox's Bill O'Reilly declined to comment.Violence UnSilenced


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9 comments:

Daryl said...

snort

SandyCarlson said...

I see you have gathered the views of our wisest of men (and not men) for a clear explanation of the meaning of the season.

So, really, this is a code orange situation. (Do we still have codes?)

Maggie, Dammit said...

Yer a goof ball. The most wonderful sort of goof ball, of course.

xo

Mama Zen said...

What about the whole alternative lifestyle with the elves thing? Santa is destroying my marriage!

Klaatu said...

The toy manufacturers lobby is also trying to shut down Santa Inc. He is producing toys cheaper than they can, even when moving their factories to China.
Also the Federal trade Commision has claimed that Santa Inc. has a monopoly due to the figurehead advertising which is pervasive this time of year.

Klaatu said...

Didn't Doris Day praise the man pictured in song?
" Che Santa, Santa, Whatever will be, will be......"

Robin said...

Bwahahahaha!

(works much better with the commentary)

magiceye said...

:) what next?

Sparky said...

awesome.
just.
awesome.