Santagate! Is the jolly fat man actually a Communist sympathizer?

---

Fox News File Photo
Buenos Aires, Argentina 1950

A firestorm of controversy has erupted around one of the world's most storied and celebrated figures recently. Charges of everything from burglary to a Communist plot to undermine the US government have been leveled at Santa Claus by noted figures in the conservative media.

Leading the charge was Fox News commentator Glenn Beck who stopped just short of calling St. Nick a fugitive from justice. "Here's this fat guy crawling down people's chimneys in the middle of the night. That's breaking and entering! If I crawled down your chimney in the middle of the night I'd be arrested. It's a crime and it should be punished." Beck was further disturbed by allegations that Santa, whom he believes to actually be the Argentine Communist revolutionary Nikolas Klaus (pictured). "This is a guy who's been responsible for the collapse of who knows how many governments over the years, including the Peron regime in Argentina back in the 50's. And he's not stopping there, oh no. You watch, watch and see how this so called 'Santa Claus' rips apart the very fabric of America with his Communist 'spread-the-wealth' movement."

The theme of economic ruin brought about by freely-given gifts at the holidays was echoed by Former CNN business analyst Lou Dobbs who said Monday, "They're flooding the marketplace with cheaply made toys that they give away for free. It's ruinous to the American economy. Look at the par value of companies like Mattel and Toys 'R' Us, for example, and see what's happening there." Dobbs went on to add that he believed there to be a national security threat from the Jolly Old Elf, who routinely enters the country without passing through customs. "He's entering the country illegally, crossing sovereign borders without any kind of documentation. Of course, you won't see the Obama administration do anything about it because they're in the same socialist political bed."

Neo-conservative pundit Rush Limbaugh had this to say on the matter. "So a guy in a red suit can just go where he wants, when he wants and give stuff away for free to who he wants, is that it? Am I the only one who sees how crazy that is? And Americans are buying into this scheme. They're drinking the Kool-Aid and it's up to people like me to stop them." Limbaugh expressed "suspicion" of the now-legendary Santa, citing the long lines at every shopping mall in the nation and the "frightening expressions" on the faces of Santa supporters at these gatherings.

Columnist and author Ann Coulter also weighed in offering a potential solution, "If we just dropped a couple of 50-megaton nukes on the North Pole we'd solve this whole problem. And as a bonus we'd get to find out once and for all if this whole 'Oh the polar ice caps are melting' business is actually a threat or not. It's a win-win."

Ex-Governor of Alaska and 2012 presidential hopeful Sarah Palin considers herself close to the source. "I can see the North Pole from my house, and just look at the guy. He's dressed head to foot in red. And it's not just that he's a fashion victim, he's identifying himself as a Communist with this getup. When you've been eyeballing the Russians for as long as I have, you can spot a Commie a mile off, you betcha."

Fox's Bill O'Reilly declined to comment.

---

Stumble This!

Gift Rap

---

There's one thing I've always hated about the holiday season. It isn't the crowds or the traffic or the insanity at the mall or the cost, or even the annual what-do-I-get-my-brother-this-year dilemma.

It's the wrapping.

I hate it.

And if you think about it, just how smart do you have to be to figure out that the gift you spent 20 minutes turning into a beautiful, tempting package is going to be denuded in about 2.4 seconds when the recipient gets it. When's the last time you heard someone say, "Oh my! This wrapping is just too beautiful to rip off the package. I'll just wonder what's inside!"? Never that's when.

Give me a break, yeah? I mean think about it. Why do you suppose Santa opts for stockings? Huh? Because he's smarter than we are that's why!

And yet, year after year we go through the same ordeal. So as a public service I submit to you my...

Lessons in Gift Wrapping

1. Scotch Magic Tape got its name for a good reason. It disappears every time you put it down. And the amount of time required for it to reappear is directly proportional to the number of corners you are attempting to hold together while you look for it.

2. The scissors are in one of two places (1) under your butt (which has long since gone to sleep from sitting on the floor for hours), or (2) buried in the pile of scraps of wrapping paper you're saving to wrap something small.

3. Don't save scraps of wrapping paper to wrap something small. Nothing is that small.

4. The formula for calculating how much gift wrap is needed to wrap a given package follows the form:

Paper Needed = Paper Available - 1/2 inch.

5. The time required to unwrap a gift can be calculated as the reciprocal of the next shorter unit of time. e.g. a 17-minute wrap job, can be negated in 1/17 second.

6. Ribbon of all kinds^* is either a Communist plot or the work of the devil. Which one depends largely on political party affiliation. Or so I'm told.

7. Stores that offer free gift-wrapping should be nominated for a Nobel Prize.

8. Stores that charge for gift wrapping should be stormed like the Bastille and their owners publicly pilloried and flogged.

9. The photographs you see in magazines of Christmas trees surrounded by beautifully wrapped packages are clever forgeries. Probably cooked up by the same people that can make a McDonalds hamburger look appetizing.

10. Gift Bags Rule!

Finally: If by some unfortunate circumstance you cannot avoid wrapping, then be absolutely certain to tag your gifts immediately. This will save you the embarrassment of accidentally giving the arrest-me-red lace teddy to your grandfather and the arrest-me-red plaid golf pants to your girlfriend.

---

^*This clause was updated in 2004 to include any type of string used as a replacement for ribbon. No, it does not make it easier.

---

Stumble This!