Things that make ya go... WTF?? or "Just how smart do ya have to be?"

My dear mother is a wonderful person but technologically cursed. A couple of weeks ago her 5-year-old locally built computer unceremoniously expired leaving her stranded on the information superhighway. My attempts at resuscitation proved futile, but being the dutiful son that I am (and spotting an easy route out of the annual what-do-I-get-Mom-for-Christmas-this-year conundrum) I placed an order with Dell, Inc. for a shiny new system. Several days later I was unpacking said system, yanked and the hard drives out of her old one to transfer whatever data she might consider critical to her new box. Imagine my surprise when I opened the case of the new PC and found ... practically nothing! No byzantine tangle of cables, no wire bundles, none of the stuff I'm used to seeing in such an environment. Most important, no IDE controller. Uh oh. Ma, was there anything on those drives that was ultra important? Hope not. 'Cause there's no place to plug them in on the new system. But that speed bump didn't cost me any wonderful son points I don't think.

But I digress. One week out of the box, and suddenly the computer stops speaking to the keyboard. So what do I do? I reboot, because... that's what you do in such cases. Now it's been a while since I saw this error, but it never fails to elicit bitter laughter from me:
"Keyboard failure - Press F1 to continue F2 to Exit".
Either someone at Intel had a truly twisted sense of humor, or they're simply sadistic. Or possibly just stupid. Just how smart do you have to be to realize that if your keyboard has failed, pressing a function key is probably not going to have much effect. Now a lesser geek would have stopped here. But not me. Oh no. First, let's try another USB port. No joy. Okay, on the off chance that both ports on this card are bad (not likely since the mouse was still working) let's try a USB port on the front side of the case. Still nothing. Hmm... okay, let's get a different keyboard. Oops. All of the potential candidates are older models and there's not a USB keyboard among them. And no port for a PS2 or serial keyboard exists on the box. now not having an IDE controller is bad enough guys, but come on! right. So I get the keyboard from my computer -- which is the only USB keyboard I have available. And presto! The system boots up and behaves normally.

So clearly what we have here is a bad keyboard -- or more probably a bad keyboard cable. I'm quite pleased with myself for my obviously prodigious troubleshooting skills, but the trouble is I have one keyboard and two computers that need it. So clearly this is not a viable long term solution. But this is a warranty issue, right? I mean the system has only been in service for a week for pity's sake. So I retrieve my keyboard and email Dell support using their online form and explaining my troubleshooting journey in minute detail. I close with the thought that sometimes a keyboard error really is a keyboard error and can I please have a replacement for this one?

About fifteen minutes go by and there's a reply in my inbox. Wow! that was quick, no? Quick, yes. Useful... not so much. Now I know I have a trouble ticket number and that's helpful. Then we launch into a five-paragraph thesis on how to troubleshoot all known keyboard problems. None of the first four apply since they're all about fancy wireless keyboards or those "internet ready" models with on-board volume controls and home-page hot keys and other useless dreck. Finally we get to something that sounds like the problem I'm seeing. "Sometimes", my email says, "this is caused by a stuck key." This is followed by a short treatise on how to resolve a stuck key. Finally, it goes on to say that if none of these troubleshooting tips resolves the problem, fill out the form below and send a response to this email. Be sure to include all of the troubleshooting stpes you've already take in your reply.

Excuse me, but didn't I already tell you what steps I took? But okay... I'll follow the procedure. The next communique from Customer Support tells me that I may already have the diagnostic tool I need installed on my system! And it goes on to describe the support center software loaded on every new desktop they build. This is getting absurd. First of all, if the error prevents the PC from booting up, how the hell am I supposed to run this wonderful diagnostic software? But never mind that, fellas we're not solving the Riddle of the Sphinx here. The diagnosis is done already. The patient is dead. Muerte. Mara. Finito. It is no more. It is an ex-keyboard. Is your diagnostic tool going to send me a new keyboard? I think not. But... "We are working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to answer customer inquiries. We’ll respond to your message as soon as possible. Our typical response time is 24 hours or less." Okay guys. I'll be patient.

But in the meantime I'm going to the local office supply superstore and picking up a spare keyboard. A trip to such a retailer finds me a generic USB keyboard for about $15. Not bad. Oh! And they have a special on a 2GB Compact Flash card like I use in my camera. Nearly half off and it's the Generation III -- very fast! Once again pleased with myself I decide to check out while I still have a little money left. the cashier scans my items, smiles that pod-people cashier smile and asks -- with a completely straight face mind you -- if I want to purchase a three-year extended warranty on my keyboard for $19.95.

I am not kidding. Let me get this straight. I can spend $19.95 today and if my $15 keyboard fails at any time in the next three years I can have it replaced or repaired at no additional cost. Thanks anyway, but I like living dangerously. If my $15 keyboard fails during the next three years I'll spend $15 then and replace it myself.

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