WTF?
PerfectMatch.com still remembers who I am?? I haven't even logged on to that site in ... how long? I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure it before that stupid Must Love Dogs movie came out. When was that? I definitely haven't updated anything on there in months (or years), so how is it that I got email from them today saying they'd found me a "perfect match"?
Okay, first let me point out here that I'm all about the internet personals deal. Saves gas, time and eyestrain from trying to figure out if that ring she's wearing is anything more than a fashion accessory. Best of all I can hear myself think and I don't need a wingman. Or a haircut. And let's face it, rejection by email just doesn't hurt as much as an uppercut to the jaw.
Now nobody's kidding anybody here. With a few exceptions (read: one that I know of), dating sites are less about the dating and much more about the site. In other words, as long as you keep putting quarters in the slot, they're happy to let you watch the parade of beauties pass you by. Ask them to actually deliver on their promises of finding true love (or in some cases, true lust) and they'll most likely tell you to turn to their panel of experts (they all have panels of experts, it's a rule) for advice. Advice that takes the form of "10 Tips for Pimping Your Profile" or "How To Write That First Email". Guys, that's not helpful. I've read all those articles. And over the course of ... oh, say, this century I've written a good many first emails. Some of them even got responses.
But I never had any kind of luck at PerfectMatch.com for whatever reason. And this email may provide a clue what those reasons were. Apparently, my dream girl is "J" who comes from a small town in Virginia that's -- based on my best guess -- a little over an hour to my north. "J" is about 4 years older than me, likes bluegrass, "collecting" (whatever that might mean), gourmet food and cooking, and lots of other things that I'm sure someone would find perfectly delightful. Just not me. I wish "J" well in her search, but if the best PerfectMatch could do for her was me, she's going to be very disappointed in the kind of guys she meets there. Because I seriously don't think I'm her type. And I'm positive she's not mine.
But here's the thing that probably put me off this site. Certain parts of the profile are generated by some kind of software that takes the answers to the test questions, munches on them for a while and then spits out a description. A description that would have been shredded by an eighth grade English teacher if it were submitted for homework. Like this one:
They want a lot of closeness and affection, but they reserve some time and space for themselves. This person needs a lot of time together, but they could feel suffocated if with someone who wanted total closeness.
Now I'm not a grammar nazi, but last time I checked "this person" was not a "they" (with due deference to sufferers of multiple personality disorder). I can almost hear Mrs. "B"I know it was a machine that created this egregious grammatical blunder, but it reflects badly on Dr. Pepper (no, I'm not kidding... Dr. Pepper Schwarz, PhD). Worse yet, it's on my profile so it reflects badly on me! (Sorry, Doc... you're on your own.)
Alright, let's assume I'm interested in meeting the mysterious "J" from Cville, or "F" from Richmond, VA. This is what Pepper has to offer by way of advice.
This is truly an exciting time and we want you to be successful in your search for love. Remember, the Perfectmatch process wasn't designed to be a fast process; it was designed to be a successful process. Move forward in a thoughtful way, and yet be brave. Review your match's profile with care. When you are comfortable, don't hesitate and start to communicate with an IceBreaker!
We will continue to review your profile in our ongoing search for your ideal partner. Your perfect match is out there and we can't wait for you both to meet!
Pep, we both will meet. Just not each other. Because my "perfect match" isn't going to put me to sleep before I'm done reading. You know, like this one did? The good news (for me anyway, for you it pretty well sucks) is that I haven't given you any money.
Guess what. These two didn't change my mind about that.Stumble This!
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4 comments:
Once upon a time I tried this.... I even went out to meet him.
Half way into the evening he claimed he was a mafia hit man hiding in Hillsborough, NC and at any time he might have to pack up and boogie, either because of a new "job" or because "they" found him.
I swear this is true., because even I can't make this shit up, and there just was no way this was any kind of okay.
PerfectMatch thought my perfect match was a hitman.
Dude. It could be worse.
@JC: Yeah, I can't top that one. Not on my worst night. But I think I remember that story from your "Year in Review" post ... when was it? 2006? '07? You had a whole collection of... interesting guys you talked about.
(Not all of them totally creepy though.)
Ohmigosh, Cravey, I think I had lunch with your hitman's sister! Or former girlfriend, or something. I swear, she was delusional. I was working my way through college at Taco Bell, and one afternoon I was hanging out with co-worker/friends (the line got blurred for a while there), and the hitmaness joined our group, and she explained how she always had to sit facing the doors, preferred to have her back to the wall, etc. All kinds of craziness, because she never knew when "they" were going to come looking for her. But at least she wasn't trying to date me and use it as an excuse to get some nookie then bolt.
-smarmoofus
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