Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Mail Order Brideski


As a veteran of the internet dating wars, I occasionally get emails from lovely young ladies (stop laughing) who find me remarkably interesting, charming, even pithy (I said stop. For reals.). So when I got a notification that I had received a communique from someone known as LOVE CARROTS1 of course I rushed to log in and find out who this nubile young woman was who found me so compelling. And I was greeted with this:

LOVE CARROTS1 29/F Burlington, NC
subject: Hello
message

Hello
I have seen your profile and that that has prompted to me to read it. Having read your profile I have really found in it that that unusual.
I would like on to learn is better about you, than you are engaged and why you have placed your profile. I would not like to remain without the answer.
You the interesting man and I am confident, that you are written still by other women. But I will hope for the best, after all it is difficult to find the loved one in our world.
Also that you will write to me. I with impatience will look forward to hearing from you, write on my email:xxxxxxxxxx(at)xxx(dot)com
With impatience I wait for a news from you.


I scarcely know where to begin...

I have seen your profile and that that has prompted to me to read it.
Let's hope that's what did it because otherwise, I'm scared.

Having read your profile I have really found in it that that unusual.
Umm... thanks?

I would like on to learn is better about you, than you are engaged and why you have placed your profile. I would not like to remain without the answer.
Okay this is getting a little bit too Glen Close for comfort now sweetie...

You the interesting man and I am confident, that you are written still by other women.
Oh yeah, it must be at least two or three every year. I'm thinking of changing my email address just so I can get some sleep!

But I will hope for the best, after all it is difficult to find the loved one in our world.
Umm... maybe try a different username?

Also that you will write to me. I with impatience will look forward to hearing from you, write on my email:blahblahblah(at)xxx(dot)com. With impatience I wait for a news from you.

Wow... we were doing great until you got to that "impatience" thing.

This trick is probably about as old as internet dating. I call it the Mata Hari, and it's probably very effective. For what, I have no idea, but I assume that once the bait is taken, the mark is then led to one website or another where he falls prey to one or more of a dozen different possible scams. I used to think these were just girls looking for a green card and a fiance visa, but who knows?

They're getting better at the game though. I'll give them credit for that. At least now they don't use .ru email addresses and make an effort to use spell check. Or maybe they're just relying on babelfish to handle the spell checking. Because this is clearly a machine translation of something that probably sounded very alluring in Russian, but just didn't quite make the transition to English. At least not any dialect of English I'm familiar with. And they're getting slightly more savvy with the photographs. At one time the photos were of exquisite, exotic looking women that no mere mortal would ever dare approach. But the minds behind whatever schemes these are finally picked up on the fact that most guys are going to recognize when a woman's clearly out of their league. If you're a 6 you might find enough nerve to approach an 8, but the women in these photos were solid 12's. And let's face it, the guys with similar integers aren't going to bite. For the rest of us it's just a question of DIR (Desperation/Intelligence Ratio). I'm not exactly having to send my calls to voice mail, but I don't think I've hit a point quite low enough to fall for the fake Russian bait.

I'm holding out for the fake Icelandic bait. Or possibly Western Canadian. Those Alberta girls, ya know...
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10 comments:

Barb said...

Sorry, can't stop laughing! For reals... I can't ....Sorry.

Kaknu said...

Love Carrots1? hahahaha What no picture to post with it? I want to see what Miss Love Carrots1 looks like :P

That does look like a babelfish any language to English chop job.

Ari_1965 said...

I never get these kinds of e-mails. Probably a gender thing. But I am proud to say that many high-placed citizens of Nigeria are willing to trust me to withdraw millions of dollars on their behalf.

ciara said...

i like that you say 'for reals' takes me back to old school hehehe and isn't that spam mail? i believe spam is best served up in fried rice. at least it's more tasty and surely more satisfying than a brideski, right?

Mojo said...

@kaknu: I considered posting Ms Carrots' photo, but I suspect these photos are stolen from random people and used with ill intent. Like the one I got once of the strawberry blonde claiming to be from Calcutta.

@ciara: "For reals" is something I picked up from my friend JC. Something about the way she said it struck me as funny at the time and it stuck. And I don't like spam regardless of how it's served up. (Although I am quite fond of fried rice.)

@ari: So the Nigerians are still at it, huh? I've heard that's spread to other countries now too. Someday I'm going to get my share of that money...

@barb: Breathe honey... just breathe.

Mona said...

"At one time the photos were of exquisite, exotic looking women that no mere mortal would ever dare approach" :D :D That is classic!

Please please Post Love Carrot's picture!
We would LOVE to see what the carrot looks like! :D

Mata Hari! :D :D maybe she is one ;) who knows she might have FBI trailing after her & you!

My brother, when he was in Tennessee, got hooked to one & got royally used!

smarmoofus said...

Aaargh... bad translation... BAD! You know how I feel about grammar. *twitches and convulses*

Ari, I used to be trustworthy, but the Nigerians must've checked my credit report. I don't get those emails anymore. *sigh*


-smarmoofus

Mojo said...

@Mona: Actually, I got the inspiration for that line about the photos from you and that torn portrait you showed us last week.

@Smoofus: *hugs* Sshhhh... It's okay sweetheart, it's just a bad dream. Go back to sleep. No Russian bimbo is coming to thrash me with her broken English.

All I'd be hesitant to post the photo in the first place since it's probably stolen from some unsuspecting young girl (who very well may live in Burlington) but even if I were so inclined, I don't have it to post and the profile is no longer on the site. So you're all just going to have to imagine her as you see her.

snowelf said...

Mojo, come on...obviously she's not Russian, she's from Burmingham... ;)

I have cautiously dipped a toe back into the pool of internet dating. (I figure it's just a toe, if it gets torn off I have nine more to spare and I'll learn my lesson after toe 5 or maybe 6? and get done.) But, because of where I live, I get some real winners, lemme tell ya. I was thinking, maybe we can match them up with the Mail Order Brideski. Sound like a plan?

--snow

Mojo said...

@Snow: Just hook 'em up with Delia. Or Fifi. They're just as real. And if you think you get some winners where you live, ask Smarmoofus about the good ol' boys she hears from.