Mail Order Brideski

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As a veteran of the internet dating wars, I occasionally get emails from lovely young ladies (stop laughing) who find me remarkably interesting, charming, even pithy (I said stop. For reals.). So when I got a notification that I had received a communique from someone known as LOVE CARROTS1 of course I rushed to log in and find out who this nubile young woman was who found me so compelling. And I was greeted with this:

LOVE CARROTS1 29/F Burlington, NC
subject: Hello
message

Hello
I have seen your profile and that that has prompted to me to read it. Having read your profile I have really found in it that that unusual.
I would like on to learn is better about you, than you are engaged and why you have placed your profile. I would not like to remain without the answer.
You the interesting man and I am confident, that you are written still by other women. But I will hope for the best, after all it is difficult to find the loved one in our world.
Also that you will write to me. I with impatience will look forward to hearing from you, write on my email:xxxxxxxxxx(at)xxx(dot)com
With impatience I wait for a news from you.

I scarcely know where to begin...

I have seen your profile and that that has prompted to me to read it.
Let's hope that's what did it because otherwise, I'm scared.

Having read your profile I have really found in it that that unusual.
Umm... thanks?

I would like on to learn is better about you, than you are engaged and why you have placed your profile. I would not like to remain without the answer.
Okay this is getting a little bit too Glen Close for comfort now sweetie...

You the interesting man and I am confident, that you are written still by other women.
Oh yeah, it must be at least two or three every year. I'm thinking of changing my email address just so I can get some sleep!

But I will hope for the best, after all it is difficult to find the loved one in our world.
Umm... maybe try a different username?

Also that you will write to me. I with impatience will look forward to hearing from you, write on my email:blahblahblah(at)xxx(dot)com. With impatience I wait for a news from you.

Wow... we were doing great until you got to that "impatience" thing.

This trick is probably about as old as internet dating. I call it the Mata Hari, and it's probably very effective. For what, I have no idea, but I assume that once the bait is taken, the mark is then led to one website or another where he falls prey to one or more of a dozen different possible scams. I used to think these were just girls looking for a green card and a fiance visa, but who knows?

They're getting better at the game though. I'll give them credit for that. At least now they don't use .ru email addresses and make an effort to use spell check. Or maybe they're just relying on babelfish to handle the spell checking. Because this is clearly a machine translation of something that probably sounded very alluring in Russian, but just didn't quite make the transition to English. At least not any dialect of English I'm familiar with. And they're getting slightly more savvy with the photographs. At one time the photos were of exquisite, exotic looking women that no mere mortal would ever dare approach. But the minds behind whatever schemes these are finally picked up on the fact that most guys are going to recognize when a woman's clearly out of their league. If you're a 6 you might find enough nerve to approach an 8, but the women in these photos were solid 12's. And let's face it, the guys with similar integers aren't going to bite. For the rest of us it's just a question of DIR (Desperation/Intelligence Ratio). I'm not exactly having to send my calls to voice mail, but I don't think I've hit a point quite low enough to fall for the fake Russian bait.

I'm holding out for the fake Icelandic bait. Or possibly Western Canadian. Those Alberta girls, ya know...

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