I'm Quitting. (And I Really Mean It This Time!)

I've uttered those two words more times than I can count in my long life. And I'm really good at it -- sometimes even in a beneficial way. I've left jobs that were sucking the life out of me. I dropped alcohol in my wake like a chum slick at the end of the last century without a backward glance. I've left relationships that were bad for my mental health. I did all of these things because what I was leaving behind was killing me -- either literally or metaphorically. Or both.

But I've never been able to exorcise the cigarette demon. I've come close mind you. I've focussed all the energy I could muster at the task. I've plastered patches, chewed gum, sucked on mints, burned incense and chanted, and just about everything else short of animal sacrifice. And I've learned something from every attempt.

What I learned is that quitting smoking is hard.

I mean, really, really hard. So hard that even a champion quitter like me hasn't managed it. I've prepared for each attempt with resolve, with research, even with chemical assistance. And every time I was sure that this time I would emerge victorious.

And every time I was wrong.

Discouraging? You bet. More than that, it pisses me off! But there is one thing I've never tried adding to my arsenal of weapons in my little battle with tobacco.

Friends. Allies. I've never wanted to subject anyone else to it. "It's my addiction, I have to own it. Nobody else can do this for me. I can't try to give responsibility for my quitting to anyone else." These are the principles that have made me successful in other Adventures in Quitting. They work.

But there are some things that are just too much to handle without support. Admitting that is like chewing on aluminum foil for me. It bothers me. Vexes me. Perturbs me. And a whole thesaurus worth of other words. For two reasons. First, because I don't want the vexation to spill over onto other people who don't deserve it. And second (and I'll let you in on a little secret: this is the real reason) because I perceive it as making me dependent on someone else for something I need.

Just putting that last bit in writing was harder than you can possibly imagine. In fact, I didn't know myself how hard it would be until I actually did it. And since I'm still writing this, it may yet not escape editing.

But that would defeat the purpose of this post. That purpose is to put my intent out there for all six people who actually read this blog to see. Not because I need them to hold me accountable, but because if they see it I'll hold myself accountable. Because the Six People Who Actually Read This Blog might actually care enough to be disappointed if I fail.

And there's nothing I can think of that I hate more than disappointing my friends.

So watch this space (not literally this space, don't be dense). I'll let you know how it's working out.

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