Gift Rap

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There's one thing I've always hated about the holiday season. It isn't the crowds or the traffic or the insanity at the mall or the cost, or even the annual what-do-I-get-my-brother-this-year dilemma.

It's the wrapping.

I hate it.

And if you think about it, just how smart do you have to be to figure out that the gift you spent 20 minutes turning into a beautiful, tempting package is going to be denuded in about 2.4 seconds when the recipient gets it. When's the last time you heard someone say, "Oh my! This wrapping is just too beautiful to rip off the package. I'll just wonder what's inside!"? Never that's when.

Give me a break, yeah? I mean think about it. Why do you suppose Santa opts for stockings? Huh? Because he's smarter than we are that's why!

And yet, year after year we go through the same ordeal. So as a public service I submit to you my...

Lessons in Gift Wrapping

1. Scotch Magic Tape got its name for a good reason. It disappears every time you put it down. And the amount of time required for it to reappear is directly proportional to the number of corners you are attempting to hold together while you look for it.

2. The scissors are in one of two places (1) under your butt (which has long since gone to sleep from sitting on the floor for hours), or (2) buried in the pile of scraps of wrapping paper you're saving to wrap something small.

3. Don't save scraps of wrapping paper to wrap something small. Nothing is that small.

4. The formula for calculating how much gift wrap is needed to wrap a given package follows the form:

Paper Needed = Paper Available - 1/2 inch.

5. The time required to unwrap a gift can be calculated as the reciprocal of the next shorter unit of time. e.g. a 17-minute wrap job, can be negated in 1/17 second.

6. Ribbon of all kinds^* is either a Communist plot or the work of the devil. Which one depends largely on political party affiliation. Or so I'm told.

7. Stores that offer free gift-wrapping should be nominated for a Nobel Prize.

8. Stores that charge for gift wrapping should be stormed like the Bastille and their owners publicly pilloried and flogged.

9. The photographs you see in magazines of Christmas trees surrounded by beautifully wrapped packages are clever forgeries. Probably cooked up by the same people that can make a McDonalds hamburger look appetizing.

10. Gift Bags Rule!

Finally: If by some unfortunate circumstance you cannot avoid wrapping, then be absolutely certain to tag your gifts immediately. This will save you the embarrassment of accidentally giving the arrest-me-red lace teddy to your grandfather and the arrest-me-red plaid golf pants to your girlfriend.

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^*This clause was updated in 2004 to include any type of string used as a replacement for ribbon. No, it does not make it easier.

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