friday time sink: enter the brownshirts

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Normally in this space I'd be presenting you with something to entertain you. I might even take a shot at my favorite target, the Tea Party. But recent events suggest that such things might be hazardous to one's health. Witness, if you can, what happens when 23-year-old Lauren Valle dared to infiltrate a crowd of Rand Paul supporters outside a Senate debate in Kentucky.Warning: this video contains violent content and may not suitable for all audiences.


According to Tim Profitt, the Rand volunteer seen stepping on Valle's head, the assault "looked worse than it actually was". I hope he's right about that, because it sure looks bad enough. Profitt went on to blame police for not preventing the incident. 'Scuse me Timmy, but was she breaking any laws? Or did she just hurt your iddy biddy feewings? Meanwhile the Paul campaign is backpedaling away from Timmy as fast as possible (nice they've got your back innit Tim?)... more because of the political fallout than any feeling of wrongdoing on the part of its supporters. (Um... that last bit was an opinion. Not to be confused with a statement of fact, okay? For those who have yet to learn the difference. But hey. It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.)

But in case you're wondering what this RepubliCorp™ business is all about, here's an introduction.

And with that I bid you ... Happy Friday!

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friday time sink: beck strikes back, elvira's you, man's best workout and more!

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Mickey Mouse's Response to Glenn Beck's Response to the Donald Duck Video
Proving once and for all just what a total tool he really is. Again.


But better than either of those is Elvira's response to... well, let's just say she's more like me than Christine O'Donnell will ever be. Only with bigger t&$!s. Than mine. Or Christine O'Donnell's.

And now for something completely different
Actually, I kinda like this idea. Or I would if my dog weren't a 95 pound Labrador. Try this at home!

From the "This Is All Kinds Of Wrong" Desk
(or: Revelation meets xkcd)
According to Stephanie Pappas of LiveScience.com, the End Of The World may have to be postponed. The Mayan "Long Count" calendar, it turns out may have been incorrectly converted. UC Santa Barbara professor Gerardo Aldana says in Pappas' article: "If the Venus Table cannot be used to prove the FMT as Lounsbury suggests, its acceptance depends on the reliability of the corroborating data," he said. That historical data, he said, is less reliable than the Table itself, causing the argument for the GMT constant to fall "like a stack of cards."

Uh... yeah. What he said.^*

And I thought the Y2K conversions were tough.

But the 2012 doomsayers are hardly alone in their prognostications. Folks have been predicting the end of the world for... well, probably since the beginning of the world. And they've all had one thing in common: They've been wro-ong. But to their credit, they have been entertaining.

All of this fatuous gerrymandering just goes to show that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. But then, acquiring the technology to actually implement any of these plans might take a bit of doing.
Of course scientists and theologians (and even Christine O'Donnell) don't have a franchise on getting things wrong. Even those English teachers (who are never wrong) are occasionally... well, wrong.

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^*Except I think he meant "house of cards". A "stack of cards" should be pretty stable. Just sayin'.

And with that I bid you ... Happy Friday!

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friday time sink: black vs. blue, beck vs. duck, tech sector wtf, and the answer to everything

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Heh. Who can resist Jack Black anyway? I know I can't. Especially not when he's taking on the Teas. I just can't help myself... The (Mis)Informant.

Wait... What? This? Is Brilliant.
Jonathan McIntosh and Rebellious Pixels, calling a spade a spade. Oh, and Glenn? That Second Amendment thing? You might have something there... heh.

And I thought I could time sink a Friday... this guy is my Yoda. Just his "5 Tips For Surviving the Facebook® Blackout Crisis" alone is worth its weight in pixels. Want to be up on the latest in social networking? Want to know what it feels like to go viral? Want to know the latest Strat-egies of successful leveraging? Alex Blagg is your man. Just ask him.

The answer to everything

Last Sunday the world went a little nuts over The Perfect 10 business. You know, "10/10/10"? Seems like everybody in the world thought this was an auspicious date for one thing or another. Even in the Far East where ceremonial stuff doesn't usually play by the Gregorian Calendar. There was apparently a run on the wedding market (which might help explain why the latest trend in spam seems to be wedding/engagement rings, wedding gowns, and other such paraphernalia). Some church in Korea had a mass wedding that saw thousands of couples jump off...er... take the... er... tie the noose knot. More popular among the geekier of us was the fact that it was another "binary day" with 101010 adding up to 42 in the decimal number system. Turns out that was the most auspicious event of all. At least according to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

And with that I bid you ... Happy Friday!

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friday time sink: a tree blows in brooklyn, gummi fuel, family fail, and just a... fail

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Quick, before this bit blows itself out. A tornado is one of nature's most powerful and destructive forces. Winds inside a tornado can reach 300 mph or more, making even a Category 5 hurricane look like an April shower. If a tornado is sighted near you, you should seek cover immediately in an interior room on the ground floor staying away from windows and remain under cover until the danger has passed.
Someone forgot to tell these two Darwin Award contenders who seemed to be bent on making the short film "A Tree Blows In Brooklyn". This might be forgivable if the entire dialog hadn't consisted of "Dude! Oh My G*d!" and "Dude looks at this!", "Dude a f***ing tornado for sure!", "Holy sh**!" and... "Dude!" repeated ad nauseum. The one saving moment of the film was that the destruction of the tree was rather impressive. But the handling of the subject matter was wholly uninspired.
Enter the Gregory Brothers to the rescue, making this whole train wreck slightly palatable with the autotuned version. But even the brilliance of Schmoyoho can only do so much for these morons who aren't even as bright as the neighborhood dog. And it might be contended that without the Gregory's help, these two would have vanished down the rabbit hole of obscurity they should have. Whatever.

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Probably conceived by the same folks who brought us the Mentos/Diet Coke Rocket, this video is more of a public service than its creators even realize. If this technique can be perfected, it could not only rid the world of those insidious Gummi Bears (and worms and fish and whatever-the-hell-else they've gummed up) but it could also give us an alternative energy policy that could drastically reduce our dependence on foreign oil -- or just oil in general. After all, if sugar can hyper power a kid, just imagine what it could do for a car.

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See, this is what's wrong with television today. Richard Dawson would have smoothed right on over this. Seriously.

For realz.

Sorry Steve, he would've.

Without autotuning.

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Wait. What? Never mind the arguments of genetics, environment, choice and what have you. The latest tinfoil-hat theory to come out of Grumman's Theater of the Absurd has finally answered the question "What makes some people gay?" (What it doesn't address, of course, is why this question is still a question that apparently needs answering.) Whatever. Let's see the Gregory Brothers do something with this one.

On second thought...

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This is SO Wrong.

The colors are totally in the wrong order! It should be Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet. Remember 5th grade science class? Roy G. Biv? Ring a bell?

And with that I bid you ... Happy Friday!

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friday time sink: ww i ends; katy perry the next double rainbow?; and finally... what it means.

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This Just In: WWI Is Over
Believe it or not, even though the Armistice was signed almost 92 years ago, Germany is still paying off the reparations of World War I. (Talk about long term debt -- I thought my credit card balances were bad...). This is why those firms that buy out structured settlements and annuities are so successful. It's also a glaring example of what can happen when you go about agressing all over the place. (Are you listening Washington?)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Time Sink, already in progress...

The latest news on The Street (that's Sesame Street, not Wall Street) involves a controversial appearance by Katy Perry. The singer taped the segment wearing a dress with a sheer, flesh-toned bodice that Certain People thought too revealing. The dress apparently so traumatized Elmo that he bolted from the set in the middle of shooting. George Stephanopoulos recently interviewed the allegedly scandalized muppet (who routinely appears on the show naked) on Good Morning America, during which interview Elmo defended Ms. Perry saying "Elmo loves Miss Katy" and "We had a good time. So we’ll have another play date."
Rumors of a Tea Party-endorsed worldwide boycott of figure skating events, where such costumes are de rigeur have circulated widely but to date have not been confirmed, though sources close to the party did note that "Ellmoe's fir is rad." For English-speaking audiences, the approximate translation is "Elmo's fur is red". The belaboring of the obvious was presumably a reference designed to connect the long time TV star to the "red states". Elmo's agent, Grover, could not be reached for comment. One unidentified source who is reportedly close to Ms. Perry was overheard saying, "It's not like she kissed Prairie Dawn or anything. Besides, the dress wasn't all that."
In an unexpected development, the Fox Network sided with Perry offering her a live action role in an upcoming special episode of The Simpsons. In a statement to EW.com executive producer Al Jean said, "In the wake of Elmo’s terrible betrayal, the Simpsons puppets wish to announce they stand felt-shoulder-to-shoulder with Katy Perry." Could this mark a crack in the bond between Fox and the Tea Party?
Less unexpected was Perry's appearance on Saturday Night Live in a sketch spoofing the singer's ill-fated duet, as SNL struggles to remain relevant.

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Two questions arise out of the uproar. The first is whether or not it can be leveraged enough to push it to meme-dom and even further into a viral state. There is some indication of attempts to bring that about based on events that have taken place in the wake of the controversy. Early indications are mixed however and it seems unlikely that the double D can overtake the double rainbow as the next mega-meme given the unprecedented staying power of the double rainbow event. The second question could play a large role in determining the answer to the first however and that is whether or not the Gregory Brothers will pick up the thread with an autotuned version of the original Sesame Street segment. Should that happen, analysts have observed, the potential for even ultra-viral growth increases exponentially. We can only watch and wait.

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Q&A: *sigh* The Question (Or: You didn't think I'd do an FTS without a Double Rainbow reference did you?)

And finally an answer
Will Wheaton's Return to Sanity Rally?

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friday time sink: best case for the big V i ever saw

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Okay what's funnier than a 3-year-old explaining what she heard coming from Mommy and Daddy's room after they thought she was asleep? Okay, yeah maybe the talking kitty from a coupla weeks ago... and the chicken band was pretty funny... But besides that? Yeah, an autotuned version of the same kid-vid brought to you by the same guys that brought you the Double Rainbow Song. Ya'll don't drink and surf okay? 'Cause that shit hurts comin' outcho' nose. Peace, yo!

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friday time-sink: a weak WEAK glove hand

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It's just about my favorite time of year! Training camp for the NHL has arrived (at least it has here) and soon begins the exhibition season leading up to the 2010-2011 season which will feature an All-Star Game played right here in my hometown. So in honor of that, I give you my favorite of an old series of commercials for Nike -- specifically their hockey skates -- featuring (alleged) former goalies put out of work by various snipers all of whom (wait for it) used said Nike skates. The first of these endorsers was the then-Detroit Red Wing ace Sergei Fedorov (featured here - but only by reference). Other goalie crushers in the campaign included former Maple Loaf captain Mats Sundin and the just-retired Hurricanes captain Rod Brind'Amour (though this was during his tenure with the Flyers). Whether you're a fan or not, you gotta love the humor. Oh, and according to the description, one of the kids at the counter is "Finch" from the film American Pie. Enjoy!

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From the "Things That Make You Go WTF" Desk, there's an old saying that goes "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging." I'd have to expand that to say "When someone calls you an idiot, don't quote them on the back cover of your book in bright yellow 18-point type". But then, I suppose when you depend on controversy and martyrdom to keep your 15 minutes going beyond the time limit you really have no pride left.

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And if you were wondering who the genius responsible for the Double Rainbow Franchise was and how this beer truck got started down the hill... here he is Live with Jimmy Kimmel

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friday time-sink: crossing the road

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You may or may not remember Burger King's "Chicken Fries" from a few years back. (I'm not sure if they still make those things or not.) The fries were pretty forgettable, but the commercials featuring the pseudo-band "Coq Roq" (rumored to be the band Slipknot incognito) were priceless. This video is probably the "director's cut" of the final commercial (it's about three times as long as the average TV commercial) but I wouldn't have wanted the job of editing it down to 30 seconds. What would you leave out? Enjoy!

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And because you can never have too much double rainbow,

Well all things considered, this one seemed apropos. (Oh shut up.)

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Okay Sunshine... is this a little more what you expected to see?

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When Memes Collide: This is extra special for those of you who got the reference to The Wall in the comment on the second clip.

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friday time-sink: wake up kitty

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Warning: By pressing "Play", User (that'd be you) assumes all risks thereto appertaining including, but not limited to, damages to monitors and/or keyboards. The management of Why? What Have You Heard? assumes no responsibility for any damages arising from or pursuant to the watching of this video. User (that'd be you) agrees to indemnify and hold harmless Why? What Have You Heard?, its owner, management, subscribers, heirs, assigns, the fruitseller down the corner, the dog, Santa Claus and the President. (Certain limited cause of action may exist with respect to the Easter Bunny and members of the Republican Party, particularly, but not limited to that subset known as the Tea Party.)

Common side effects of this video include the sudden and uncontrolled dispersion of liquids through the nose, mouth or other orifices. Persons with breathing or bladder control issues should not watch this video. After pressing Play, do not drink anything for the next 1:07. This video may be habit forming. Because this? Never gets old.

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In other news, have you ever had one of "those" conversations? You know, the kind that usually take place with an automated voicemail system or maybe an electric toothbrush or someone really really dense who honestly should consider a career as an electric toothbrush (or possibly a toaster, though I question the wisdom of letting someone with such limited mental capacity play with that much voltage). Sure you have. We all have. But how many of us could have this much fun with such an exchange? I wasn't even there and I almost peed my pants.

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And just in case you were wondering (because I know you all were) about the current state of the Double Rainbow Franchise, let me assure you it is alive and well. Some of the more popular offerings this week include:

Dude should've gotten this girl to do the voiceover of the original for him.

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Audio track is... so intense!

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I was waiting for this one. No, really, I was.

Really.

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friday time-sink: do you love life?

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If you remember the show The Kids In The Hall, you probably remember the Chicken Lady. (Some things, once seen, haunt you forever.) This is probably what Pat Robertson was afraid of -- not Sex With Ducks, but Breeding With Chickens. And if you don't remember The Kids In The Hall, you might want to skip this video because you'll be sucked into the vortex that is... (cue dramatic music) The Chicken Lady. This was a classic sketch from the show. Enjoy!

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P.S.: Remember last week's edition that featured the now (in?)famous "Double Rainbow Song"? Well it seems that this video has become so virulent that it's found a way to cross the species barrier into other media. Witness:

see more Lol Celebs

And of course, this was bound to happen sooner or later...

see more Lolcats and funny pictures
But Wait! There's More!

Or is you prefer to just cut to the chase, visit Ben & Jerry's homepage. Wait a second or two for the page to load and then stare in astonishment.

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friday time-sink: it's the little things

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I have to wonder if the guy who made the video that inspired this song had any idea what he was getting into when he put it on YouTube. Then again, after listening to him practically weep over light passing through water vapor I have to wonder if he even realizes that he did put it on YouTube. I guess everything looks bright and vivid when yo're on 'shrooms. Or whatever. Enjoy!

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friday time-sink: revisionist literature

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Ever wonder what in the hell some of the heroines of classical literature were thinking? And what might have happened if events were revised just the slightest bit? Well now that question is finally answered. Enjoy.

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